Tuesday, 7 February 2017
GUEST POST: Fear of Failure
“Abigail
wants to do well, but fails to turn that desire into a reality.” This is exactly
what my Economics teacher wrote and submitted as my reference to the
universities I was applying to. I disliked him for putting that into my reference,
but the anger I felt was just because I hated the truth he had uncovered in the
two years he was my teacher. I used to have this bad habit of not trying
as much as I could, because I feared trying hard and failing anyway. Not trying
sheltered my ego, it gave me a reason whenever I didn’t do so well. I would
still be labelled a ‘smart person’, because though I barely put in any work,
slept in all my classes and chatted my life away I still attained the average
B. “I didn’t even do any work, imagine
what I could achieve if I did,” the most overused line of my life; used to
motivate myself to do more next time. Next time never came.
That mentality led
me to changing courses after my 1st year in university, then getting
kicked out of university after my second 1st year attempt, appealing
and getting back in, which now means I am finishing my 1st year of
university on my 3rd attempt.
2 years and I had not made one step of progression. All because I
feared to fail; fail in every aspect of my life, not just academically, but
spiritually, physically, mentally you naaaaaame it. I felt so safe in my
failures that I didn’t try to change anything, I ended up just pitying myself.
Comfortable wallowing in self-pity, I was basically scared of feeling anything
else. How can I expect myself to become this great woman; a woman that will
bring about change, a woman that will raise the value of black lives, a woman
that will challenge the thinking of the ignorant, a woman that will operate
outside the system, yet strive above everyone that believes it’s the only way
to success, when I’m incapable of progressing beyond the imaginary barriers I
have built with my own mind?
“No weapon turned against you will
succeed.” – Isaiah 54:17. Weapons
won’t succeed but that doesn’t mean they won’t turn against you. Everybody goes
through things but how you handle it and grow above it determines who you are.
I let my struggles define me, few series of unfortunate events and I completely
believed and lived the life of a good for nothing individual. I ended up
playing a game of broken and weak in private versus whole and strong in public.
I even started questioning my intelligence and capabilities and whether I even
still liked Maths (if you know me personally you know that’s an absolute
joketing). From then I started to want to change and be better. “Call
to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you
do not know.” – Jeremiah 33:3. I had fallen so low and with no
direction of where to go, I had no choice but to call on to God.
In my search for God, one verse had
always stuck out to me. “And He said to
me, “My grace is
sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, most gladly I will rather
boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9. In reading the full chapter I realised that during
adversities and moments of weaknesses, believing that God’s grace is enough to
pull you through tough times, can inevitably turn your weak moments into
gratifying strengthening breakthroughs. I held this verse very close to my
heart to allow God’s strength to change me and make me into the person I was
yearning to be.
1.
Tell yourself the truth.
It can be so easy to
deceive yourself into believing everything is good and you’re the best you can
be, but in reality, there is so much that you could work on. If you’re useless
and doing nothing with your life, tell yourself, if you’re fat and unhealthy,
tell yourself, if you’re struggling with your mental health, tell yourself. Be
honest and check yourself in order to become a better version of you. There’s
no wrong in admitting you have a problem and finding ways to fix it.
2. Seek help.
You can half the tasks at hand by
reaching out to those who have the potential to help you. Whether it be getting
some counselling, getting a mentor or a personal trainer, seek the help you
need to overcome your struggles.
3. Remove
negativity.
So much trash can cloud your judgment and your ability to be
better. TV shows, music, unhealthy habits, people and the list can really go
on. It’s your responsibility to identify and acknowledge the things that are
holding you back from achieving greatness and remove them from your life.
4. Feed your mind.
“There is nothing
as powerful as a changed mind” – TD
Jakes. What you feed
your mind will affect your life whether you want it to or not. Daily positive
affirmations of yourself or positive motivational speeches will mould your mind
into believing the things you have fed it. I’m not going to lie I tell myself
I’m a smart and confident being every single day, in doing so I hope to do
everything with confidence and I believe no task is too hard for me to complete,
because I truly believe I am intelligent. Choose to only fill your mind with
things that will elevate and edify who you are as a person.
Last but definitely the most important.
5.
“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and
all these things shall be added to you. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for
tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” – Matthew 6:33-34
I’ve hit many bumps on my road to success; I’ve battled depression,
suicidal thoughts and anxiety to the point I was making myself ill. I wish I
could be writing this blog entry with one big happy ending but really and truly
I’m just starting out my journey. However, I can say that though I fell, many
lessons were learnt. I wish I could share all of them and how I came about my
discoveries, but you’d be here forever, but I hope the little I’ve shared blesses
you reading this.
"Our
greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius
Abigail Hitimana
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